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What Not To Say

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I believe most people truly want to be helpful when their loved one is hurting after a loss.

And yet, most people probably don’t know what to say, so they just say whatever seems right at the moment. Often what we think is right, or what we have been taught to say, isn’t always helpful.

Consider the following example from Russell Friedman, Executive Director of The Grief Recovery Institute:

If someone staggered towards you with an arrow sticking out of their chest, and blood dripping from the wound, you would probably recognize that the person might be in massive physical pain. It is unlikely that you would say “Don’t feel bad, at least it wasn’t a poison arrow,” and just keep walking past them. More likely, you would say “My gosh, you must be in terrible pain, I’ll call an ambulance.”

Yet when someone’s heart has been broken by a major loss, most people say “Don’t feel bad, you should feel grateful you had them so long.” While it may be intellectually accurate that you have a great deal of gratitude in that relationship, that is usually not the foremost emotional response to the death of a loved one. Perhaps it would be helpful to imagine that there is an emotional arrow sticking out of their chest. It will remind you to respond more helpfully.

The emotional pain can be caused by a death, divorce, illness, career change, or any of a number of different types of losses. Some other examples of things not to say are, “At least you are young, you can have another child (or spouse, or business)” or “It could have been worse.” Ouch. We don’t want to add to the pain of someone who is already struggling.

Examples of more helpful things to say are:

  • What happened?
  • Could you tell me about it?
  • I can’t imagine how painful this is for you.
  • I don’t know what to say.
  • What is this like for you?
  • What was your relationship like?

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss.
Grieving people are usually preoccupied with thoughts that take up so much energy that they seem as if their brain is on another planet. It’s like they have “emotional jetlag.” This is normal! It is important to give the griever time and understanding; their wound is just as serious as an arrow through the heart, even though we can’t see it.

Read the rest of the article Emotional Jetlag in Broken Hearts on Psychology Today, by Russell Friedman

emotions· grief· grieving· mourning

Sue Hasker, MS

Certified Grief Recovery® Specialist & New Life Story® Wellness Coach
Previous Post: « Murmuration
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When your life is upside-down following a loss or trauma, your body needs all the support you can give it. Take care of your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

articles

  • One Wedding and a Funeral
  • We Must Grieve
  • Emotions Affect Healing
  • What to Say to a Griever
  • Stages of Grieving?
  • Does Time Heal?
  • What Not To Say
  • Murmuration
  • Are You at Risk for Depression?
  • 10 Tips for Moving Through Grief

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finding easier ways of living with grief & health challenges

Sue Hasker - Grief & Loss Wellness

6 days ago

Sue Hasker - Grief & Loss Wellness
Excellent suggestions for those of us who struggle with depression. By the way, check out Bryan's Smile and give it a 👍founded by our cousin-in-law who lost her son to addiction and hopes no other parent ever has to go through it but the sad reality is... some will. ... See MoreSee Less
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What I am able to do within a day is simply what I am able to do within a day.What I am able to accomplish, achieve, or produce in this lifetime, is simply, what I am able to do, and nothing more.My hope is that I am able to breathe deep knowing this, no matter the unchecked items on life’s lists.I have this hope for you, too.It’s okay if productivity looks different from now on.- MHN ... See MoreSee Less

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Do you have any rituals or routines that you use to honor the memory of a loved one? One example, we've celebrated significant birthdays by bringing cake to their gravesite to share with family members. ... See MoreSee Less

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educational purposes only

The information contained on this blog is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended for the treatment, cure, diagnosis, or prevention of any medical condition. Please consult your physician for such advice and before altering the use of medications or any other part of your medical program.

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